


Fallen

by bamboofoxfireproductions



Series: WDRSBN [3]
Category: Assassin's Creed, D.Gray-man
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Character Death, Crossover, Death, Drabble, Drabbles, Funeral, Gen, Grief, Loss, M/M, Murder, Tragedy, War, alternate endings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-05 12:13:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5374796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bamboofoxfireproductions/pseuds/bamboofoxfireproductions
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even for the best of war tacticians, sometimes things don't go according to plan, and when that happens, usually someone dies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Allen

**Author's Note:**

> So I actually had this idea like... half a year(?) ago but I just now decided to just go ahead and do it 8)
> 
> I highly recommend first reading White Demon, Red Scribe, Black Nightmare if you haven't already because spoilers for that fic abound!(And this might not make a lot of sense otherwise, since this is sort of an "alternate ending" to Chapter 40-41 of that fic).
> 
> Thanks to Rhydwin for helping me proof-read this and fix some mistakes :D And I just want you all to know... I'm a horrible person :3 (no need to thank me for it)

**WDRSBN Drabbles: Fallen**  
A D Gray-Man and Assassins Creed Crossover  


* * *

"Oh, I wouldn't bother with taking it out to use against me."

Allen froze mid-way to taking the Apple of Eden out of one of his pouches at Apollo's words.

"You think I'm unwise to your intentions, but I already know the trap you intend to spring, in its entirety. You and I both know we aren't here for bloodless resolution."

Allen's heart jumped into his throat. He looked at Kanda, his eyes wider than before, desperately trying to cover his panic and failing. _How did he know?_ Kanda returned his gaze mutely and then slowly drew his sword.

"What are you going on about?" he barked, carefully shifting into an offensive stance. Allen also reached for his sword but couldn't help but to glance behind where Lavi was. Of whom Lavi was making it a point not to look back at him, expression unreadable and focused more on Apollo than anything else.

Part of his mind dredged up the possibility, but...

 _No... no, he wouldn't!_ He couldn't think that, not now.

...so why did he?

"Well, to be honest, even had I not been told of it, I would have been a fool not to suspect," Apollo told them, toying idly with a weapon of his own, not seeming overly concerned with Kanda's new stance brandishing his sword. "Both of you have been tenacious thorns in my side for a long time, and I'm not dim enough to believe you would simply give it up, even after all of my efforts thus far to tire you."

Of course. It was common sense. Nothing to be worried over, right? Lavi wouldn't betray him. No matter how much the redhead denied caring about him, he knew that was false. It was just a lie. Much as it hurt, much as it tried to defy his trust, he knew better. He knew _Lavi_.

Allen's hand slid down from the handle of his sword, fixating silvery eyes on Apollo. "Then let's end it here," he said, his voice disturbingly calm. He side-eyed his raven-haired lover intentionally.

They still had the bomb; the fake Apple. All they had to do was make sure it made it into Apollo's hands discreetly. He glanced further at Lavi, who'd barely moved, and whose expression gave nothing away. He knew what Apollo was implying, that Lavi was betraying their side, but how much had the redhead possibly told him _really_?

If he'd known the redhead a little less, he might have lost trust. But this was Lavi. This was part of his plan too, surely?

It was still a gamble - there was a chance he was wrong - but gambling was something he knew how to do well. His instincts for it rarely failed.

"Will you be alright to handle yourself?"

Lavi's expression changed then, mildly surprised, and finally glanced in his direction in question. Allen smiled knowingly, ignoring the confused, unhappy look that Kanda exchanged between them both, before Allen started to step towards Apollo ahead of them.

Apollo's smile broadened, carrying a hint of deadly, confident malice just beneath the surface.

"Yes, let us finally see the end of it," he agreed, his gaze shifting over to Lavi as the redhead lifted his weapon up properly. "After all, with two on each of our sides, it will be much more of an even match this time."

* * *

Lavi realized right as Apollo spoke those words and Kanda's face snapped towards him exactly what Allen meant.

 _Will you be alright to handle yourself?_ Of course he meant against Kanda. How had he not caught onto that sooner? He grit his teeth slightly. That was going against his initial plan, but at this point, he'd simply have to adjust.

 _You know me too well, Allen,_ Lavi silently lamented the white-haired man's blind faith in him. But still, not enough. Too late to tell Allen to change his tactics now. He'd simply have to figure out another way. But first...

He dodged out of the way of Kanda's swing, the blade humming as it cut air.

First he was going to have to get around Kanda. If the man was as serious as Lavi suspected he might be, then that was not going to happen easily.

"Damn traitor!" Kanda hissed, narrowing his eyes. Lavi smirked and tilted his head condescendingly. It wasn't wise, but he couldn't give up the ruse just yet. Apollo _had_ to believe he was on the man's side if this plan was going to work at all.

"It's not really a betrayal if you never take sides though, is it?"

Kanda snarled wordlessly and lunged at him again, Lavi parrying his blade and dancing out of easy reach, maneuvering so he could still watch Allen and Apollo's battle somewhat in case things turned bad.

He and Kanda exchanged more bruises than they did cuts, though there were a few slashes and lacerations as well. Most of them were shallow, though one came far too close to Lavi's uncovered eye for comfort. It was definitely going to leave a scar.

When Kanda tried to impale him, Lavi twisted just barely out of the way and managed to wrap the chain of his spear between segments around it, kicking upward into the pit of Kanda's elbow and disarming him of his sword. Kanda grabbed his ankle the moment after, just as Lavi was flinging the sword a few feet away, and tripped his remaining leg, sending Lavi falling flat on his back, and pounced with hidden blades bared as the redhead rolled over and scrambled to get up.

The first blade barely missed, planting in the soil, and the other came dangerously close to running through the back of his neck, Lavi barely managing to catch Kanda's wrist over his shoulder as the very point of the blade threatened to break flesh.

Lavi braced a leg under him and bucked upwards, off-setting Kanda's balance just enough to flip them over. Kanda retaliated by twisting around and slamming his elbow against Lavi's throat. The redhead merely counted himself lucky that it hadn't broken his windpipe, even as he struggled for air and drew in a few ragged breaths.

Kanda was poising to put an end to his life with the hidden blades, but paused when Lavi looked off to the side and rasped breathlessly, "Allen!"

Kanda hesitated to take his eyes away, clearly thinking it a bluff to distract him, but couldn't help following the Bookman's single eye after a moment and went rigid when he saw that Allen was quickly losing ground. If someone didn't interfere and get to his side, he wasn't going to last.

"Go!" Lavi wheezed, and Kanda wasted not a second in doing so, pausing only to retrieve his sword in the meantime. Lavi took a moment more to rise and get his bearings to follow, staggering and clutching his throat where it still throbbed.

Lavi saw them continuing to fight as if the rest of the world had ceased to exist, as if the only thing left were them.

He felt his blood run cold when he saw Apollo manage to knock Allen's sword aside and plunge a dagger into his gut, twist it viciously and rip it sideways to create a gaping hole in the whitehead's side and soak his robes bright crimson.

He felt his throat tighten again painfully when Apollo grabbed Allen by the neck as he doubled over, and oh so carefully and precisely, swiped a sharp edge from just behind his ear and down to the collarbone following the artery before letting the younger man fall the rest of the way.

Over the pounding of his own heart, he barely heard Kanda's outraged scream of rage as the man rushed in with his sword bared and attacked in a blinding fury of swings, even Apollo struggling to keep up and ending up with a few slashes. At some point, both Kanda and Apollo disappeared from sight entirely - he didn't really notice when or how - but within the minute Kanda returned in a rush, sprinting back to Allen, who had yet to get back up as the soil soaked dark scarlet.

Kanda fell mid-run to his knees so that they skidded over the dirt, supporting Allen to sit up with one arm under his back, and driving his sword upright into the soil so he could at least _try_ to stem the bleeding from his neck with the other.

Lavi didn't even realize he was staring, still as a statue, until Kanda barked at him loudly, "Lavi! Get your ass over here and help!"

Lavi approached, but it was with wobbly steps, and in no kind of haste. Even before Kanda had attacked Apollo, he already knew...

"Hurry the Hell up!" Kanda screamed, frantic. Lavi stared at him a moment more, hollow, his single eye sliding somewhere off to the side.

"Yuu... this is beyond my abilities..." There was already so much blood. "It's not like the last time. There's nothing I can do."

Even out of the corner of his eye, he could see Kanda seething, ready to explode. No doubt he would blame Lavi, since it had been because they were fighting that this happened, that they weren't in time to save him. That realization lanced through him like a sword, deadlier than any the black-haired Assassin could wield against him.

This was _his_ fault.

Allen had said it before, and now he regretted not listening.

_`Maybe a straightforward fight is what would really solve it this time. It has been a game until now. Maybe we used too many strategies.`_

It was his strategies that got Allen killed, and now...

"Kk...Kanda..." Allen rasped, catching both of their attention. Lavi half-expected Kanda to tell him not to talk, but the Japanese man didn't - it wouldn't matter if he did or didn't speak at this point anyway - only staring with the utmost attention possible. "...is... Apollo...?"

"He will be," Kanda swore, narrowing his eyes dangerously, his eyes alight with the intention of vengeance. "He won't have limped far... and I'll find the bastard and finish it."

"...I... see..." Allen paused, coughing, and blood bubbled from his lips, trickling down his chin. In more care than Lavi saw Kanda express on most days, the older man carefully wiped it away with the cuff of his sleeve.

"Idiot," Kanda cursed. "Why did you try to take him on alone when we were here? Even someone like you shouldn't have tried to do it by yourself!"

"...Lavi..." Allen rasped, causing Kanda to tense. "...he... had... a plan... he wouldn't... betray... it... was part of a plan..."

Lavi shifted his weight back uncomfortably as Kanda turned accusing, hateful eyes on him, his gaze alone saying the same thing Lavi had already known for himself.

_This is your fault._

_YOU killed him._

The man didn't get his chance to voice it - yet - as Allen reached up and cupped his face. "...Kanda... don't... blame Lavi... okay...?"

"Tch. I'm making no promises on that one," Kanda muttered, but his tone sounded defeated in the face of Allen's request.

"Stubborn... asshole..." Allen smiled weakly. "...I know you won't...but just t-try...to get along... Make sure...you protect them...d-don't let that bastard...kill even one more... hear me? Especially not you."

Allen reached up a little more and tugged lightly at Kanda's hair, indicating he lean down for a kiss, light and long and bittersweet. Lavi thought he saw tears welling in the corner of Kanda's eyes, but he could have imagined it. When they pulled away, Allen uttered a soft, "love you". Kanda leaned in to say something short in return, maybe the same thing, but Lavi couldn't hear it.

After a long moment, in which the Allen's ragged breathing faltered further, he finally turned dull eyes towards Lavi, extending a ghostly-pale hand towards him weakly, beckoning him to come over.

"...Lavi..."

He stood frozen in place for several beats, trying to figure out what he was supposed to do when even internal confliction between the part of him that felt too much and the part of him that was Bookman's successor had gone silent and left him numb. Allen's brows furrowed and his expression grew pained, his arm starting to fall, but he stubbornly lifted it towards the redhead again, tears starting to form.

"L-Lavi!"

He stepped back without even thinking, recoiling away.

" _Rabbit!_ " Kanda's glare was unforgiving, promising to kill him on the spot if he turned away. "Don't. You. Dare."

Lavi froze again, only now fully realizing what he'd done. The only thing that kept him from turning away from the scene, from leaving entirely, was Kanda's dark eyes harshly judging him.

_Don't you DARE run away from this._

He lowered his eye shamefully and stepped towards Allen, hesitant. He regretted even looking at Allen's face and the stricken despair that had etched into his features and the fading light of his eyes. Even at the end, he managed to hit Allen where it hurt the most; in his love and trust for other people. He'd been ready to turn his back even in Allen's last moments.

He should at least give the other the dignity of last wo-

"...La..."

He stopped, and suddenly Allen's hand fell. Lavi inhaled sharply and took a quick step forward, reaching out to grab his hand, but already it hit the ground limp, and the halting, choked breaths stopped abruptly. Kanda wasn't looking at him anymore, but somehow that was even worse. It was as if he was asking the same question as the last time all over again.

_Can you even bare to look at yourself in the mirror?_

_Because I can't stand the sight of you._

For a while, nobody moved or made a sound, and then Kanda sheathed his sword at his side and picked Allen up in one fluid motion, carrying his lifeless body. He passed by Lavi without looking at him at all, bangs hanging in his face and hiding his eyes. Only after he had walked a good several meters and Lavi still hadn't moved to follow did he stop.

"Well?" he snapped. "Get your ass moving and keep up."

* * *

Truthfully, Kanda didn't want Lavi even anywhere _near_ his den of Assassins at this point.

It was because of the damn redhead that Allen was dead. Even thinking the words, he couldn't come to terms with it. Not yet. Not even as he carried Allen's bloodied corpse, staining his own black uniform. He was tempted to burn the damn thing and get new robes after this.

Still, he considered it better than simply letting the redhead wander off on his own to Gods only know where. Even to the end, Allen still trusted him, but Kanda didn't.

It was while he was lost to his thoughts that he realized the aforementioned bookman he wanted to keep in his sights wasn't walking behind him anymore, whirling around.

When did he...?

Kanda grit his teeth, prickling with the urge to hunt the damn Rabbit down, but it would have to wait for now. He had other, more pressing matters to deal with first.

He went back to the den, immediately being assaulted by showering questions of surprise, confusion, and grief all at once. It was all too much for him right now, but he endured it, explaining away all of the curiosity by simply stating it was the Hunter, Apollo. Everyone was devastated, Teidol especially.

Everyone except for the old man walked eggshells around him, only Teidol being direct in asking how he was feeling, too fatherly and too old to beat around the bush about it.

The ceremony was long and - in Kanda's opinion at least - horrible. He took whatever condolences came in unnerving silence and offered his own to some of his men in short, blunt bursts muttered under his breath, and only because it was what Allen would have wanted. The idiot never liked to have other people worry or grieve over him. Now should be no exception.

The first day was devoted to _nothing_ _but_ Allen's funeral. The day after that was little different, if only passively so. The third day, no one dared even approach the vault where Allen's coffin lay, leaving Kanda alone and free to talk and grieve openly without being watched by anyone. Mostly he spoke to himself - or maybe to Allen. He didn't know anymore. It went on for more hours than he cared to keep track of. He couldn't remember ever talking so much in his life.

At some point in his ramblings, he started to mention Lavi and then stopped abruptly when he remembered the red-haired Bookman.

Not once in three days had Lavi ever shown up. Not since he disappeared in their walk back. He knew it damn well wasn't because he got attacked or picked off. He'd slipped away on purpose.

And there was no way he hadn't had the time to show up.

Suddenly feeling enraged and too agitated to sit still, Kanda found his feet abruptly, a hand clenched tightly around his sword, and left. There were a few odd looks and Teidol questioned where he was going, to which he shortly, harshly answered, "Out."

He didn't even care if the whole damn brotherhood followed him at this point, but he was, without doubt, going to find that damn back-stabber and skin him alive while he still knew where to look, and then he was going to do the same to Apollo.

Really though, how dare he? How dare he earn Allen's trust to go into battle and win, only to get him killed? And then to not even show up to his damn funeral, even lingering in the background?

Apollo was a monster who'd tormented Allen and Kanda and everyone they knew for _years_ , but at the moment, he couldn't help thinking that Lavi was the worst between the two.

Allen had _loved_ the man, as something more than just a friend, like a brother, and Lavi had led him to his death, and couldn't even have the decency to show up and mourn over the corpse and what he'd caused afterwards. He probably didn't even _care_.

The fucking coward.

He briefly wondered if maybe Lavi had even skipped town, for the sake of self-preservation because he already knew what Kanda's reaction would most likely be. Or perhaps gone crawling back to Apollo, having taken his side after all. He still wasn't as convinced as Allen had been that Lavi had had a plan and hadn't betrayed them all along.

Bookmen were said not to take sides but that didn't mean they couldn't be out for selfish self-interests. It still bothered him, what Lavi had said during their little battle.

_It's not really a betrayal if you never take sides though, is it?_

A nice excuse not to have any loyalties to anyone except himself, either, which meant he could have been playing Allen all along and was just using Apollo now too, the former of which being unforgiveable and the latter being dangerous.

When he reached the place where Lavi lived – which he'd found out from one of his other assassin underlings – he knocked with all the force of a hurricane. He would have broken it down then and there, giving it a good, hard kick, but it was a very thick door. He wondered if Lavi had chosen it for just such an occasion.

"Rabbit! Open the god damn door and face me, before I burn your fucking house down and smoke you out!" He counted every beat that passed – almost a minute – even as he continued to knock and shout obscenities. Finally he heard the click of a bolt unlatching.

Good. Now it would be easier to maul him.

The door cracked open, and he saw that it was definitely the redhead, regarding him through one guarded green eye. Kanda took his while to look and try to discern if Lavi had even been crying or upset at all, but it was impossible to tell. His face certainly as Hell wasn't flush as if he'd been crying his eyes out, and for one reason or another, that severely pissed him off.

"Where the fuck have you been? Shamelessly playing Apollo's _lapdog_ while everyone else buried him?" He hoped the words scored deep. The damn man deserved every bit of it. When he didn't get an answer – not even a silent flinch – he continued to rave. "Three days. _Three fucking days_. I haven't seen you _once_! Why didn't you follow me like I told you to?"

"I'm not obligated to follow your orders," Lavi told him, completely apathetic. It was almost terrifying, even to Kanda, just how much warmth the redheaded Bookman's voice lacked, like the incarnation of an arctic wind.

"That's not the god damn point!" Kanda snarled.

"No, it isn't," Lavi huffed. "What does showing up matter? It won't bring him back. Funeral ceremonies are for the peace of mind of the living, not for the dead, and I don't need it."

Bordering on hyperventilating with pure loathing, Kanda forced the door open and barged in, not stopping until he'd forced Lavi against the far opposite wall with his elbow crammed against the younger man's throat.

"It's a sign of respect! Or did he really mean so god damn little to you? It was all just a fucking game to you in the end, is that it?"

Lavi's stare was completely impassive, and the man didn't try to shove him off or fight back, just stood with his arms limp at his sides and staring without a single human emotion to him anywhere. How could someone be _so_ unemotional after what just happened?

Coming from him especially, it spoke volumes, since he wasn't the most expressive person himself – and what expression he did have was usually chalked up to angry or angrier.

But looking into Lavi's eye now, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing. He couldn't even fathom it, even as – to some degree – he envied it. He would give almost anything not to hurt over the loss, but there was nothing he could do about it.

Except maybe beat some feeling into the damn Bookman brat who could so carelessly throw away anything and everything important, as if it had nothing to do with him.

He raised a fist, ready to plant it straight through that damn, impassive face of Lavi's, but never followed through. Lavi didn't care. He wouldn't care. Something told him that maybe it was even what he'd want. At that point, it would just be a reward, not a punishment, no matter how much satisfaction it would bring Kanda.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? You just toy with people's emotions, people like Allen? Why? He died because he trusted you, and you don't even care that he's dead!"

"Bookmen don't form attachments," Lavi told him, as if it was the simplest, most obvious fact in the world. "We have no need for other people. It's just a means to an end. However events play out, it's not my business to interfere, only to record what happens."

"But it happened because of you!" Kanda screamed, at his wits end. How could Lavi possibly explain away that he _was_ involved and that involvement affected the outcome?! Allen died because he trusted that Lavi had a plan; that was the _only_ reason Allen acted the way he did.

"Allen died because of your involvement! Just by your being here, everything else led up to this! He's dead _because of YOU!_ Because of _Lavi_ , no one else! Get that through your thick fucking skull!"

He stopped then, even though there were so many other things itching on the edge of his tongue, ready to scream or beat some sense into the moron, whatever worked at this point.

He would have continued, but he saw – just for a flicker – a look of raw pain pass through that one emerald orb and then disappear again behind a mask of tempered steel.

He almost wondered if he'd imagined it, and then decided he hadn't. He'd seen that for certain.

"There isn't anyone named Lavi. There's only Bookman."

"Allen knew you as Lavi!" Kanda snarled, well past the point of being fed up with the excuses and the derailments. "I don't give a damn what you want to say to dodge responsibility! You caused his death! It was all thanks to this god damn _plan_ that Allen believed in! Take some fucking accountability!"

Lavi's gaze wavered to the side, and he saw another flicker. He knew for a fact now he hadn't imagined it before.

"I don't know what you expect, Yuu. Bookmen don't grieve. It doesn't matter."

The urge to start screaming and beating Lavi's head in until he saw sense increased tenfold, but Kanda called on all the self-restraint he had in him not to do it. Mainly because he was coming to a realization that he had probably known all along, but he didn't really like Lavi enough to have consciously explored it before now.

Maybe he'd misjudged.

Maybe it wasn't that Lavi didn't care or feel guilt over what happened. Maybe it was that he simply didn't know how to let himself feel.

It was an easy misjudgment to make, because Lavi was so good at projecting whatever emotions he wanted to at any given time, manipulating the people all around him with well-practiced charisma. Kanda knew just how _good_ at it the redhead could be, having more or less wrapped the entire den of Assassins around his pinky finger by now.

Even so, Kanda had hated him all the more for it ever since they met. Yes, he was good at acting like a pleasant person, but it was always fake. Insincere, trained responses rather than natural reactions to his surroundings. In short, he was everything opposite that Allen was in personality.

It was a skill Kanda couldn't master if he tried. He simply didn't know _people_ that well, manipulating them with every word and motion however he saw fit without screaming and threatening. He almost envied how masterful the other was at it.

Now though, he was starting to see what a double-edged sword it could be.

Navigating grief is something Kanda barely knows how to do himself, never mind articulating it into a healthy outlet. Funnily enough, its exactly why he's here now looking to beat the ever living shit out of the redhead who couldn't even be bothered to show up to Allen's funeral. Misplaced aggression, though it hadn't felt at all misplaced until just now.

Grief needed to be felt and worked through. Even if that entailed cutting some defenseless practice dummy or something or other to ribbons and screaming his lungs out, he knew the importance of letting it all out, and the longer he looked at Lavi, the more he was recognizing just how much the redhead was doing the opposite and absolute worst thing of bottling it all in.

Exactly how did someone who spent his entire time faking emotions to manipulate situations let themselves actually feel _real_ emotion? Clearly someone had taught him how to pretend, and do it quite well, but did they ever teach him how to genuinely feel any of it?

The answer to that was quickly looking to be a very blunt _No_.

The irony of him thinking that now with such a clear head. Allen would surely be having a good old time over that one right now were he still alive.

Kanda blew out a long breath, deflating. It was even worse having to actually think through this situation the way he was now, growing aware to exactly how precarious the situation really was. Letting out that much repressed emotion at one time, especially now, was going to be ugly, and he wasn't sure he was ready to deal with that.

 _Well, if all else fails, I can just beat the bastard senseless._ It was still an option.

"You think this is what Allen would have wanted?" he challenged, tone an icy calm that could rival Lavi's own. It was enough to almost scare himself. "To have you pretend it doesn't hurt, and just make it worse for yourself? You don't know him as well as you think you do then, god damn idiot."

Lavi only stared at him as if he'd suddenly sprouted a second head. "I already told you, it doesn't matter to me."

"Really?" Kanda challenged cockily. "Not at all? You saw him for yourself, dying and reaching out for you – _you_ specifically – to give you his last words, and it doesn't matter at all? You feel nothing, even after that?"

He could pinpoint the moment when cracks started to appear in Lavi's stoic façade. He wasn't going to let up until the whole damn wall came crumbling down.

"No, it doesn't," Lavi denied stubbornly.

"And how do you explain away saving his life before? You sure as Hell didn't get anything out of it. You could have easily enough let him die then, but you went the extra mile and pulled off what no one else could."

Kanda's chest constricted at the thought. He'd almost lost Allen before, and Lavi had saved him. He'd given Allen a second chance, and now it was wasted. Most importantly though, Lavi hadn't had to do it. He'd had a choice, offered to do it time and again of his own will. No one had forced it out of him.

"Wasn't _that_ getting involved too?"

"I had my reasons," Lavi defended.

Oh no, he wasn't wiggling out of it that easily. "And what would those reasons happen to be?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Answer the damn question," Kanda ground out impatiently. It would be all too easy to go back to cursing and threatening, but this was clearly hitting a lot deeper, so he restrained himself.

"I just wanted to see if it could be done," Lavi stated evasively.

"That's not an answer," Kanda persisted.

"I happen to think it is."

Damn the bookman brat and his stubbornness. "It isn't to me. Choose a different fucking answer."

Lavi was silent for a moment, calculating. Kanda could feel him swallow hard, since his elbow was still against Lavi's throat. "It was a good way to earn your trust. Then I could get the Apple."

"Allen gave you the Apple to make the replica," Kanda countered. "You could have just as easily left with it then, but you didn't."

"I wanted to see how things would play out with Apollo first."

"Enough with the damn excuses!" Kanda finally snapped. It was giving him a headache, and he was fed up. Lavi could come up with all the excuses in the world. It didn't change facts. "Why are you so adamant to deny your feelings? I don't believe for a second that you don't hurt over it!"

"Why are you so adamant to insist I feel something for Allen when you loathe my very existence?"

"Because it mattered to him! He felt the world of you! You were important to the damn sprout! He would grieve if it were you! So do him the same fucking courtesy! Damn but I fucking hate you! Act like a god damn human being for once! Not a like a bookman, like a person!"

Something about that finally managed to hit the nerve he was looking for.

He heard the shaky intake of breath; felt the sudden onslaught of trembling; saw the mask shatter like dropped porcelain and tears form in that single green eye.

He stepped back and let go of the redhead, and watched him slide down the wall to the floor, a choked sob bubbling up from the man's throat. Lavi ended up curled in on himself with his hands cupped over his eyes, at first sobbing and then outright screaming before long.

Kanda made it a point to shut the door so the sound didn't carry too much and disturb people. It was somewhat in vain. He had to answer the door at least three times to people knocking, coming to bitch about the noise. For the most part he told them to go take a flying leap. After that, he just ignored the next few people who came pounding on it, either out of annoyance or seeming to think someone was being murdered horribly. He didn't need to be told about it. He already knew how terrible of a sound it was.

At some point the crying and wailing halted only because the damn redhead started retching from the stress, staggering for the bathroom to throw up soon after. Kanda only stood vigil leaning his back against the front door, tsking in disgusted irritation. As if the crying hadn't been a bad enough sound. He wanted to say he hadn't signed up for this, but then that wouldn't exactly be entirely accurate.

Better the fool had his meltdown now, especially if they still planned to deal with Apollo working together, though he wasn't sure if Lavi would even still be interested at this point, or if he'd simply want to "not get involved".

Finally Lavi staggered out, looking like an absolute mess, and promptly collapsed onto the single bed in the room, curling into a ball with his back facing Kanda.

"...happy now?"

"I won't be happy until that fake priest is dead and mounted on a spike," Kanda gruffed.

"Then why do this to me?" The tone Lavi spoke in was absolutely pitiful.

"Because it's what you deserve," Kanda scoffed, adding somewhat reluctantly, "and clearly what you needed. Besides, it's what the moyashi would have wanted."

Lavi laughed dryly. "You think he'd want _this_ for me?"

"I think he would have wanted you to be honest with yourself for once," Kanda sniffed matter-of-factly, looking off to the side. "Even when he was dying right in front of you, you wouldn't admit how much he meant... it pisses me off."

Silence lapsed for several beats. Lavi was the one to break it first, sniffling with the threat of more crying to come. "...I've done it again..."

Kanda quirked his head, completely at a loss of exactly what that meant.

"Just like before... I had my chance to say goodbye, but I wasted it..." Lavi choked out, curling again into a tight ball, hugging his sides. "And now..."

 _Just like before?_ Kanda squinted, trying to figure out what that meant. Suddenly it seemed to click into place. His eyes must have been as large as the moon just then.

"It was you..." he breathed. "You're the one who walked out on him without saying anything." He saw Lavi visibly curl tighter, hearing him start to sob again.

Allen had always insisted they were _just friends_. He'd thought that Allen thought of Lavi more like a brother. Maybe he did now, but before...?

That's why Lavi acted the way he had so many times before. That kiss to " _trick Allen into taking his medicine"_ had been exactly what he thought it was after all!

He wanted to be furious, but he found he couldn't be.

Not right now, at least.

It hardly seemed to matter anymore with Allen gone and Lavi looking and sounding so damn broken over it. He could only guess that this might've been the only time in the redhead's life anyone even gave him _permission_ to get emotional like this. Even if no one was around right now to enforce repressing his feelings, such thorough training to behave that way was hard to break out of.

He knew it was difficult for him to do, and he had Teidol to constantly encourage being expressive, which clearly failed more than it succeeded. But the option was there for him, assuming he ever got over his pride enough to do it.

Kanda huffed through his nose.

"Grieve however much you have to until you can't grieve anymore," Kanda told him, more of an order than it was advice. "And then get your ass up and ready to fight. I'm going to finish what Allen and I started and kill that Templar bastard, and you're going to help me do it. I don't want to hear any damn complaints. When its over you can have the god damn Apple so I never have to see the blasted thing again."

A long pause. "And if I refuse?"

"Then I'll still hunt the fucker down," Kanda stated resolutely. "And then hunt you down and beat you to death with his stiff corpse."

Apparently that was funny, because Lavi burst out into manic laughter. Or maybe he was just losing his mind at that point.

"It'd be damn hard to find me."

"I'll still find you and kill you. I don't give a fuck."


	2. Lavi

Preparing to face Apollo one last time after Demir reported where the meeting location would be - the graveyard in the Imperial District - Allen and Kanda armed themselves to the teeth, determined that _this time_ would be the last showdown. Between all of their skills and Lavi's tactics, they couldn't lose. Not this time.

They would _definitely_ defeat Apollo.

When they were all armed and armored up, they headed to the opposite side of the city, to the rendezvous set to meet the Templar and put an end to his terrorizing. Lavi allowed Allen and Kanda to lead the way, taking up the rear. Somewhere further behind him, other assassins followed, but kept their distance enough to act as extra eyes in case Apollo tried to spring some sort of trap on the way there.

The graveyard in the far corner was a fair ways from any buildings, forcing them to drop back down to ground level and walk. They assumed they'd reached the location first, though it was probably a fair bet to guess that Apollo was near and watching for them. The rest of the Assassin order took cover on the far rooftops, just in case of needed back-up.

At first, Allen, Kanda, and Lavi stood in the shadow of the chapel, Allen peeking around the corner to scan the soon-to-be battlefield. There was a figure on the far side, in the shadow of Constantinople's defensive city wall.

Allen nervously fidgeted with the hilt of his monstrous silvery greatsword that was strapped to his back, and Lavi had to admit that he had some difficulties understanding just how was the whitehead able to stay as agile as before with _that_ on his back.

Kanda looked as stoic as ever but he, too, wasn't able to conceal his nervousness fully, going by how he fisted his own sword.

Lavi watched them exchange a non-verbal message before Allen walked out of the shadows, Kanda and Lavi following close behind to confront the man who had tormented the brotherhood for years. Apollo came forward as well, walking with such casual confidence it was almost blatantly arrogant.

Lavi knew, though, that he had little reason not to be.

He stopped not far, though certainly with enough distance to react should any of them try something sudden.

"And so here we are at last," Apollo hummed when it became apparent that Allen and Kanda had nothing to say. "I'm told that you are ready to give in, and surrender the Apple to me." When Allen went to reach for it - or rather, the replica - Apollo spoke and halted him, his revealing words causing them to go slightly rigid. "Oh, I wouldn't bother with taking it out to use against me. You think I'm unwise to your intentions, but I already know the trap you intend to spring, in its entirety. You and I both know we aren't here for bloodless resolution."

Apollo raised one hand up to his shoulder, and a full line of Byzantine gunmen sprang from hiding on the top of the wall, taking aim. The two assassins and bookman tensed, eyes darting to the enemies on the wall - who were clearly taking aim at _them_ , not Apollo.

Allen's heart jumped into his throat. He looked at Kanda, his eyes wider than before, desperately trying to cover his panic and failing. Clearly Kanda had not expected this either, nor Lavi, but both were thinking they should have seen it coming.

"I thought we turned these guys to _our_ side?" Kanda hissed, gritting his teeth.

"Its quite impossible to turn an entire organization who already is against you to your side," Apollo mused. "Believe me, I would know. However, there's always some who share some of your ideals. These gentlemen here decided they don't much agree with your way of doing things... it was easy enough to recruit them. Now, this can go one of two ways - you can surrender the Apple to me willingly, or I can simply take it once the bullets run out. Your choice."

Allen's eyes slid sideways to Kanda, the raven-haired man trying to likewise think of a way out of this. His eyes slid further to Lavi, who was impossible to read, but calmer than they were. Lavi subtly nodded.

They still had the fake Apple. They could still make this work. Surely this was part of Lavi's plan too? Apollo said he knew of _a_ trap. He made no indication that he knew of the replica.

"You wouldn't want more of your comrades to die because of you, now would you, Allen?"

He sighed and let himself sag slightly as if in defeat. "Alright..." Allen muttered, reaching for the fake and taking it out. He saw Apollo's eyes brighten.

So he didn't suspect after all. Good.

When Allen was about half-way, Apollo told him, "That's far enough." Allen froze, for a moment wondering if he _did_ know. "Set it there, and back away. One wrong move, and you'll be shot."

Blowing out a breath, Allen knelt down and set it in the dirt, backing away and discreetly messing with the firing mechanism on his arm. When Apollo reached it, he'd fire and blow the bastard into tiny bits. Even so, his eyes wandered to the gunmen on the wall. How was he going to do this without getting them all three of them shot dead? He scanned the wall further, hoping that some of their assassins were moving to take care of the Byzantines. He was relieved to see they were.

With this, they could quickly turn the tables.

He let out a signal whistle when he was sure they were in position and saw a few leap, baring their blades and at least distracting the enemy. The ones on the rooftops further out jumped down and ran to join the fray, Apollo leaping up as if surprised. Allen prepared the gun on his arm, even as Apollo snatched up the fake Apple and tried to use it with no success, indignantly shouting his surprise.

He threw it before Allen had the time to properly aim, and it exploded a few feet away when he fired. Allen hoped not far enough away that it did no damage, but certainly not as much as they hoped to inflict.

It hardly seemed to matter now. His Assassins were quickly closing the gap. Allen felt confident and relieved of what seemed their assured victory. He was sure Kanda did, too. It only lasted for a few moments, and then everything descended into chaos in a split second.

Some of the Assassins leapt at Allen and Kanda, fully intent on their lives. Both were too surprised to do much more than block the intended assault and throw them back. There were assassins fighting assassins, men and women in white robes all attacking each other instead of Apollo. Already half a dozen fell, stained with their own blood and dead or dying by the blades of their alleged comrades.

Allen could only gape in horror.

"What is happening?!"

* * *

Lavi had gone over lots of scenarios on how to best Apollo when they time came, and tried to maneuver the situation to where it needed to go, both with his interactions with the Assassins and secretive meetings with Apollo - that even Allen and Kanda were unaware of.

He hadn't been the only one maneuvering, though, and even for a brilliant Bookmen prodigy, there was no way to see absolutely every possibility for how things could potentially go wrong. Kanda had warned him before that Apollo was a cunning old bastard, and Lavi was not one to be overconfident and underestimate his opponents, but Apollo had many more years experience against him.

They'd met at the rendezvous. So far so good. Everything seemed to be going well enough. The other assassins were stationed on the rooftops nearby in case something went wrong. He hadn't known about or expected the Byzantine gunmen, but he had to give credit - Apollo was being careful. Even so, they could still work this to their advantage. When Allen looked to him in question, he nodded.

He hadn't told Apollo of the fake Apple, and there was no reason to suspect its existence, much less that it was a bomb. So long as they got it into his hands, that was all that mattered. Allen stepping forward and placing it down was good enough. Once the man had it, they need only shoot. Lavi already saw the assassins moving to intercept the gunmen so the three of them would be more free to act.

Only too late did they realize what was actually happening. Not all of the Assassins were actually _Kanda's_ assassins, but at a distance, it had been impossible to tell. Somehow Apollo's own men had managed to infiltrate the ranks(at what point, Lavi wasn't sure, but it must have been on their way to the rendezvous, he figured - if it was earlier, Kanda especially probably would have noticed), strategically hiding in plain sight.

When the assassins rushed in at the first sign of trouble, not all were in defense of the two Assassin leaders and bookman.

It was the sheer surprise of it, inspiring chaos and confusion as they were caught off guard, that did the most damage.

Lavi knew then exactly how badly in-trouble they were. Almost no one was really sure who was fighting who, white-clad assassins scuffling and fighting, most everyone hesitating to strike a killing blow from uncertainty in whether they were slaying friend or foe as they descended into the pandemonium of war.

Kanda refused to stray so much as three feet from Allen, and all three of them knew it was because Allen would hesitate the most, afraid to kill those that might be on his side by accident, and Allen was already horrified by the scene that was unfolding. Even Kanda was looking increasingly distressed. He managed to kill a few of the more blatantly obvious enemies that went straight for them, since he and Allen were the most distinguishably-dressed assassins amongst the crowd, but there was still hesitation. He managed to stay his blade from claiming a few who he did manage to recognize as a part of their numbers, but just barely, everything moving too fast around them.

Lavi was having to fight, too. When the storm of battle broke, there was nothing he could do to keep up his façade of secretly being on Apollo's side, and helping defend Allen and Kanda rather than take advantage to kill them and take the Apple was a dead giveaway to his ruse.

Lavi realized that, but the situation didn't allow him to keep pretending.

He fended off the attackers as they came, parrying blows, bludgeoning, and slashing, his mind working miles per minute to distinguish who was who in the crowd.

He thought he saw a flash of _his_ face - of Apollo - and he whirled around. It was the absence of finding the man when he turned that made him dread more than anything, and he was right to feel as such, a blade piercing his backside.

He gasped a strangled noise behind gritted teeth, screwing his eye shut. Staggering forward, he dislodged himself and spun around to slash with his spear after first falling to one knee. He lost Apollo in the writhing crowd, his eyes darting about. Suddenly he couldn't breathe properly, feeling like he was losing breath instead of gaining it with each inhalation.

Icy realization was already forming in his mind and making his blood freeze… or was that shock already setting in?

Apollo had pierced a lung. He was sure of it.

Someone rushed in, another fake assassin, blades bared, and he didn't have the luxury to stop, fighting and somehow managing to still win, but another was on him as soon as he was done with the first, and he was already getting clumsy, choking on his own breathless gasps that were leaving him dizzy and tasting blood.

He managed to fend off the second just in time to collapse, everything blurring as the ground rushed up to meet him. He drove the end of his spear into the earth, stubbornly refusing to drop entirely, heavily leaning against the pole arm for support, but his consciousness was wavering fast. Everywhere around him there was fighting and bloodshed, the clash of steel and cries of injury and death.

The glare of white and splatterings of red swirled in and out of sight, and he was sure at any moment someone would slash his throat while he was fighting off delirium and hemothorax. He felt a hand on his shoulder and closed his eye, waiting for the blow to come. Instead they shook him, arms more wrapping around him with frantic care than running a blade into him. He knew even without looking who it was.

"...- _vi!_ Lavi!" The white-haired man flinched against him as Kanda swore and cut someone down. "Are you okay?!"

Lavi managed to crack a weak smirk, hearing his own breaths bubble and coughing a bright reddish foam. "...de-...fine... ` _okay`_..."

"Oh my god..." Allen moaned, shooting a pained look towards his black-haired lover. "Kanda!"

"What?!" the man barked. Lavi guessed he took his eyes off the fighting for a moment to take in his condition, and that Kanda probably realized how bad off he must be, since the redhead heard a profuse _tsk_ as Allen was slinging an arm over his shoulder and pulling the bookman to his feet. Allen paused only to adjust his grip and quickly edged towards the alleyways just as a plume of smoke exploded up from the ground.

* * *

Allen shook with so many emotions he thought he would explode just like the failed bomb that had been meant to take Apollo's life.

He couldn't even _begin_ to fathom how things were going so horribly wrong all over again.

Whatever Lavi's plan, it had failed in the worst of ways. The fake Apple hadn't done its job as they'd hoped. Kanda's men were fighting and dying because of fake assassins that were Apollo's doing. Byzantine gunmen were firing into the crowds and killing them further. And now one of the few people left he never wanted to have die...

Kanda caught his hint when he slung the redhead's arm over his shoulder and lifted the older man to his feet, creating a smokescreen for them to retreat. At the moment, it was all they could do, Kanda barking at his assassin underlings to retreat and regroup. They both knew there was going to still be further disorientation and trouble as they tried to sort friend from foe, but they would cross that bridge soon enough.

Lavi stumbled to keep up, clumsily trying to at least aid in walking on his own, even as most of the rest of him hung limp, rasping breathlessly with blood and a reddish foam coming off the corner of his lips.

Allen felt as though he was going to have a heart attack all over again. The last time he had seen someone like this, they hadn't survived, and the thought that Lavi wouldn't either was too much to even consider.

Lavi had to live. He _had_ to.

Maybe he moved too fast, or maybe in truth he was just too slow, but he felt Lavi's steps falter and his feet drag, almost pulling Allen down with him towards the ground as the redhead slumped. He would have choked out a sob if not for the shaky, liquidy intake of breath he heard. At the very least, they were a little ways away from where they had faced Apollo, and Allen lowered him down, eyes searching for the cause of distress, seeing no wounds on the front of the red-haired bookman and continuing to look frantically.

"Lavi, stay awake! Where are the wounds? Tell me what to do!" Maybe it was in vain, but he had to try. Surely Lavi would be able to tell him what to do? Lavi had saved his life - sealed holes in his heart that would have killed him otherwise - and now was his chance, his _obligation_ , to return the favor. He just needed to know _how_. "Please tell me!"

Lavi regarded him through one hazy green eye, Kanda silently standing by with his sword drawn, tense and observing everything about their surroundings except for Allen and Lavi themselves like a well trained guard hound.

"...b-back..." Lavi wheezed, Allen immediately leaning him forward and searching for it. "...but... do-...n't ngh-know... 'f you c-can do... 'nything..."

Allen bit his lip until he almost broke skin as he looked and finally found the offending wound, a narrow but deep-looking stab wound just beneath Lavi's shoulder. There was even more blood and foam there flowing out, and a wheezing, whistling sort of noise that sounded plainly _wrong_.

He tried to put pressure on the wound, hoping that it would help and ordering over his shoulder, "Kanda, go get a doctor! Quickly!"

Kanda whipped his head around and gave Allen a look that clearly spoke without words of his feelings regarding the command. "I'm _not_ leaving you here alone! Exactly what are you going to do if Apollo or others show up while I'm gone?"

"Just do it!" Allen screamed impatiently, trying to ignore the roar of his panicked pulse in his ears and giving the older Japanese male the one look in his arsenal of expressions that could intimidate even the great Yuu Kanda the Nightmare into compliance. "Anyone who shows up now looking for a fight won't even have the time to regret it!"

Kanda scoffed irritation and spun around stiffly, disappearing at a sprint. If he'd stayed and scrutinized a little longer, he would have seen how much Allen was trying not to shake like a leaf with a mix of rage and terror all at once. The suffocating fear was not at the thought of their enemies - at least not in regard to his own safety.

One of the two worst possible things was happening right now and he felt utterly powerless. He held little if any faith in things like gods but he found himself silently praying to any that would hear him. He hoped the trembling hand he had pressed against the wound was helping. It was difficult to tell. Lavi was looking and sounding worse with every moment that passed.

"Lavi, you _must_ stay alive, do you hear me?" he ordered desperately, swallowing down the hard lump in his throat just so he could speak at all. He had to do everything possible, even if it was only to keep Lavi awake at this point until Kanda could return with help. "You are not allowed to die in front of me! You-... you are too important! Even though you did things that hurt me, you are one of the best friends I have ever known! You've done so much here for us that we couldn't have done without you, you are one of the smartest people I have ever known, and you just finally became a proper bookman! You have to live!"

Lavi glanced at him faintly and bore the smallest ghost of a smirk. "...'ven after... ev'ything... y'still 'ave... s'ch a high 'pinion o-of me," the readhead mused in halting breaths.

"Of course I do you sodding idiot!" Allen choked out, his chest constricting painfully.

He could see how much _just breathing_ made the older male suffer, how arduous it was to even remain half-conscious, but the very idea of something like a mercy killing - as Kanda would probably see being the better alternative at this point - was too much to even consider. If there was even the slimmest _chance_ Lavi would survive this, he would not pass it up simply because things looked dim. He couldn't afford to think that way. He owed Lavi his very life.

The dread only intensified when Lavi's eye slid away to look ahead, not really staring at anything at all, squinting in unfocused concentration. "...'s wasted... 'n someone 'ike me..."

"Don't you say that!" Allen warned, blinking back an onslaught of tears and angling to look over his shoulder. Just where the Hell was Kanda and the doctor?! It was taking too long!

He tried to make Lavi get up and walk, but it was impossible. The redhead didn't have the strength to walk at all and he was far too heavy to move like this. Allen tried and only half-succeeded in not breaking into a fit of frustrated crying when the other hacked up another trickle of blood against his shoulder.

Lavi whimpered a soft, "...s'rry..."

"There is nothing to apologize for!" Allen forced out. "Just don't speak now. The doctor should be here soon."

"...so much... t' 'pologize fer..." Lavi continued in a weakening rasp, either not hearing Allen's command to cease talking or not caring to follow it. "...'urt you... so many times...'n' 'urting you... all over 'gain."

"Just do not worry about it!" Allen shrieked, at his wits end. All he could do at the moment was hold Lavi and try to keep his wound from bleeding out everywhere and wait for Kanda. It was taking _so long_. He hoped he had not made a mistake in separating them, but Kanda could take care of himself, right...?

There was too long of a pause in the breaths, and he felt like time must have stopped right then. Then there was finally a rattling breath that threatened to stop mid-way.

"No. No, no, no, no! Lavi, no! Just hold on a little longer, Kanda will come! He'll bring a doctor, just keep breathing!"

As if on cue, he heard running footfalls, and Kanda appeared a second later, panting, sweating and trailing another man Allen only vaguely recognized as one of many city doctors.

Lavi faintly gasped out Allen's name, and he knew then - maybe even long before - that it was already going to be too late. Probably he was not the only one, since Kanda and the doctor stayed a little ways back.

"...need y-you... t' do... s'm'th'ng..."

Allen shuddered involuntarily, squeezing his eyes shut tightly so the tears fell and he could see properly. "...what?"

"My... b-books..."

"You and your damn books again," Allen cursed, with no shy amount of remorseful affection as he carefully brushed long red hair away from the bookman's palor face. He thought maybe he saw a tiny smirk.

"...records I made... 'n' m-my ashes... Have t'... go back... t-t' th' Clan... t' Gramps..." Lavi sighed out deeply. Allen feared it to be his last breath, but it wasn't. Allen couldn't be sure if he was glad of that or sorrowful. He couldn't be sure of anything anymore. "...'e's gonna be... so pissed..."

"As he should be!" Allen humored with a half-hearted snap. "...you were not supposed to die... not like this. You should not have gotten so involved, damn, damn fool!"

"S'rry..." Lavi slurred again pitifully, what little expression he had left falling. "...'guess... 't doesn'... matter now... bu' I loved you... still do..."

It took all the willpower Allen had and then some not to scream; at Lavi, at Kanda, or the doctor - he wasn't sure who, just _someone_ \- that there had to still be something they could do. Instead he managed to keep himself together and lean forward, brushing red hair aside and tenderly pecking his lips. "...and I loved you too. Still do," he returned.

He felt the last exhalation tickle over his cheek, heard the whistling-wheeze of breathing stop, and all of the pained rigidness leave and Lavi go limp. For what seemed like an eternity, nothing but his own hand moved, stroking flame-colored locks. At some point Kanda's hand landed on his shoulder firmly and his eyes followed the man's arms up to dark, hard eyes.

He broke then, let himself cry freely and hysterically, him clutching the cooling corpse of his best friend and first past lover against his chest and Kanda's still-warm, still-living form in-turn holding him as he grieved. Allen wasn't sure how long they stayed there like that, but Kanda didn't move until Allen was ready to, and by then his throat was raw and his muscles ached from being locked in the same position for so long.

He couldn't even remember walking back to the main den, but that was where they ended up. Every other corpse that awaited them, more than a handful of their assassins slain, and only a few of those bodies able to be recovered in the disarray that Apollo had created, was like a sword through his chest, worse than any solid blade.

As if Lavi had not been hard enough.

There were so many losses...

Everything from then to a few days after was a blur. He could not remember a single conversation even as he was having them, he barely bothered to eat and sleep was only tolerable because he had Kanda there to warm his bed and soothe some of the ache with his mere presence that silently understood everything he was suffering through without judgment. They didn't talk much, if at all, but they didn't have to. It didn't need to be explained. Kanda understood. It was a shared pain.

One thing Allen remembered vividly was the funeral. He had not seen so many bodies burned since his students all died in Italy, and not taken one death in particular so hard since Nea and Tim. The last time, Apollo had shown up before Allen knew he was the hunter, pretending to be a priest looking to help him through his time of grief. The remembrance became just another thorn twisting in his heart. Allen almost wished he would show up now all over again, just so he could plunge a dagger into the bastard's throat.

Lavi's pyre stayed separate from the rest, and ended up gathered afterwards into an urn. The redhead had wanted his remains returned to Bookman, along with his other things. Allen would make certain to honor that last request.

It was the only thing he could do now to return everything the grinning, obnoxious, loud-mouthed, affectionate, tactless, complicated ginger idiot had done for him.

He had his Japanese lover walk with him to Lavi's residence to collect the things and take them back to the den with them, walking part of the way back in silence.

"Kanda." The black-haired man glanced in his direction, but said nothing. "We have to end this."

"I know," Kanda gruffed, resigned. They were both so weary of this game. It had gone on far too long.

"No one else can die. Not one more." Not on his watch. He would find Apollo one way or another, whether he came to the Templar or the other way around. "I think... that its time we take our fight far away again, and give him no choice but to chase us."

Kanda side-eyed him, seeing the deadly, determined glint in Allen's steel eyes. Both worriedly and smugly, Kanda couldn't help but think that Apollo had truly done it this time. Take away too many things most important to a man, and he becomes a true demon ready to rain down all of Hell that not even someone like the fake priest can exorcise. Its enough to even shiver _his_ spine.

"Us?" Kanda parroted. That surprised him somewhat. He had been preparing himself to argue Allen down from one of his self-sacrificing tirades about how he wanted no one else - especially not Kanda - involved for fear of him dying as well.

"Just the two of us..." Allen mumbled, looking distant. "So we can end it far away from where anyone else can get hurt. For your people that you've lost to him... and for mine."

Their eyes met, unwavering, and Kanda knew there would be no talking Allen out of his intentions.

Allen was livid - why wouldn't he be? - but at the same time there was a strange, unsettling calm about him.

They'd talked a little of Lavi after the man's death - that the redhead had been Allen's first lover before Kanda, that it was the bookman who left without even a goodbye all those years ago and broken his heart before. Kanda had always suspected something like that, but never knew for sure until the last few days.

And with his death so raw and powerful right now, fueled also by all the others, Allen was a dangerous force even _he_ wouldn't, _couldn't_ , stand in the way of - and that was going to be Apollo's likely unintended downfall.

"Che. Just don't do anything irreversibly stupid, _M_ _oyashi_."

Allen only gave him the bitchiest, most cynical smile ever. "Just worry about landing your own hits when we face him, _BaKanda_."


	3. Kanda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last drabble mwuahahahaa! Can I just say, I had a lot of fun writing these? owo And not just cuz I get to exercise my more sadistic side XD But its been interesting exploring how all three of the different characters deal with their grief differently and the "what next?" after it :)
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the last drabble chapter! Hope you guys like it~

"Draw your sword!" Allen heard Kanda yell from where he was trying to keep Apollo from advancing.

"I will not fight him!" Allen yelled back and parried again, which left his right tingling unpleasantly.

Lavi, however, didn't appear to have any such same reservations. He didn't even flinch when his spear caught Allen's side, leaving it faintly tinged red, and his blade came far too close to Allen's neck at one point as he advanced with his attacks, most others of which Allen managed to parry or dodge.

"Idiot!" Kanda yelled from the distance when the whitehead sunk to one knee. Apollo used the distraction to whirl around one side of the swordsman and drive a dagger into the center of his back when Kanda tried to maneuver to keep him from advancing. The younger man hissed, but Apollo missed his intended target and stepped back to a safer distance, leaving the dagger behind for Kanda to struggle with reaching.

"Is this the great legacy of Neah Campbell? What a shame you turned out to be - I'm sure he would be disappointed," Apollo taunted, the words aimed at Allen.

"Shut your mouth!" Allen spat, the weak spark of confusion and betrayal turning into a fullfledged flame of rage. "How dare you speak of him you murderer!"

Kanda groaned even as he twisted to dislodge the blade from his back with his free hand, standing ready with his sword held in the opposite one. He knew exactly where this was going - mentioning the one thing that made Allen feel sore and angry even after all those years. He didn't know what exactly happened, but he knew enough to fill in the gaps. Apollo was trying to bait the sprout, force him to lash out in anger and recklessness and he was doing a great job at it.

He knew exactly how reckless Allen could get and the fact that the real Apple still sat in the pouch on his side did not help Kanda's worry.

"Don't listen to him!" the swordsman tried again, collecting himself and charging again when Apollo began to move once more. He couldn't reach the dagger where it was - barely managing to brush the pommel with his fingertips - _and_ properly focus on the fight, so the dagger would have to wait.

"It makes me think about how he called your name before he died!" the man sneered.

Kanda snarled wordlessly and drove the false priest back with his swings, not managing to land any solid hits and wincing as the dagger shifted in the wound to his back. The look on Apollo's face was taunting and smug, but he wasn't going to give in to it and give the man the upper hand. He traded blows, managing a few slices, and let the pain between his shoulders fuel his attacks rather than impede them.

He saw an opening in the older man's defense and lunged for it, deciding to take his chance, even considering the possibility of it being feigned. Apparently it wasn't, judging by the look on the Templar's face as he tried to parry the attack and quickly stepped away, and Kanda kept the pressure on until he managed to break through and plunge his sword through Apollo's side.

He didn't think he quite managed to hit something immediately vital, but it was the best hit they'd managed to make on him thus far, and the blood loss would be severe either way.

He wasn't the only one looking for an opening however - not that he expected to be - and Apollo managed to angle himself around and over Kanda's shoulder and grab a hold of the dagger still in his back, giving it a vicious twist. Kanda grit his teeth and stifled the hiss in his throat. He felt something give a sharp pull and snap, and abruptly it felt like the ground gave way under him, his whole body falling.

He refused to go down that easily, tightening his hands on the handle of his sword until his knuckles turned white and returning the favor with his own abrupt twist, seeing blood streaming down to the guard out of the corner of his eye. He saw Apollo move more than felt it, dislodging the blade and lifting it to attack him. His first instinct was to move, but for the life of him he couldn't get his legs to cooperate at all.

He heard Allen scream out his name, just before a shot from the mechanism on his arm rung out and hit Apollo's shoulder, making the man reel. Kanda glanced back, saw Allen draw his huge sword and Lavi running behind him. For a moment, Kanda wondered exactly which one - Allen or Apollo - that Lavi was running to catch up with.

He considered if he should say anything to Allen, whose back was turned to the redhead, but there was no way his lover didn't know that Lavi was following behind him. Part of him still couldn't help feeling distrust for Lavi and that he'd stab them _all_ in the back given the opportunity, but Allen - without wavering at all - openly exposed his back to the red-haired Bookman as if there was no chance at all of being run through from behind, focused entirely on Apollo as the only real enemy there.

Kanda didn't trust Lavi as far as he could throw him, but he trusted Allen.

He focused back on Apollo and his weapon, making it so the Templar couldn't move away as much as possible as Allen closed the distance and came swinging his large broadsword. Up against Apollo's dagger, with Kanda impeding his movements, the man didn't stand a chance of defending against the heavy blade, which easily batted Apollo's dagger and arm to the side.

Apollo kicked out at Kanda to dislodge him and moved to step back, but before he could completely follow through, the swordsman saw Lavi come sweeping up from behind and pin him from the other side with his spear. The momentum of Allen's large sword was too much to reverse direction - but they were Assassins - and it wasn't his only deadly weapon.

Apollo's moment of surprise from Lavi attacking his blindspot was all Allen needed at that point, letting go of the sword with one hand and drawing his hidden blade with one swift, fluid arc of his arm past Apollo's throat.

The sound of the old bastard drawing in a wheezing breath and choking on it was one of the most morbidly satisfying sound Kanda had heard in _years_ , the man stumbling back as Lavi dislodged his weapon and danced away. It was only now that Kanda let go of his weapon and collapsed to the ground, seeing Allen advance on him ominously with his sword poised, Lavi circling the side with his spear just in case.

Within moments, Allen lunged, cutting through an arm that Apollo instinctively raised to shield himself and the Templar's neck, separating his head from his shoulders.

Allen took a moment to catch his breath, then whirled around and sprinted back towards him.

"Kanda!"

"I'm fine..." Kanda muttered, for the moment too satisfied with the outcome to care much about his injuries. Finally, after so many losses, their struggle with the Hunter was over.

"Where did he injure you?" Allen fretted, dropping to his knees.

Kanda's eyes were fixed more on Lavi than Allen, watching the redhead dislodge his sword from the dead Templar's side and wander over towards them. Lavi had certainly helped them at that last moment, but there was still a lingering distrust there. He was all too aware of not having his sword, and that if Lavi did turn on them, Allen wouldn't do what needed to be done, still too faithful towards his "friend".

"My back," Kanda answered distractedly, while Allen was helping him sit up properly. "It's not that bad though. I barely even feel it. More importantly... _Rabbit!_ " Lavi glanced his way, head tilted slightly. "What the Hell was all that about? You've been talking with that bastard and didn't tell us a damn thing."

"Of course I didn't," Lavi admitted, shrugging. "I told you guys as much as would benefit the plan. Any more than that was a risk he'd see through it."

Kanda narrowed his eyes, not quite believing it. "Is that so?"

"If your reactions weren't genuine to my little 'betrayal', that sly old bastard probably would have noticed." Kanda didn't particularly like the way the redhead was avoiding his eyes and scrutinizing the rest of him instead. "I was only going to get one shot at convincing him, and he's dead now, ain't he?"

Kanda pointedly huffed and tried to get to his feet, putting a lot of his weight onto the hand on Allen's shoulder to push himself up, but he didn't make it very far and almost fell flat backwards. The only thing that kept him from that particular embarrassment was Allen catching him.

"Kanda, stay still and let us treat your wounds."

The man gave him an annoyed look. "I told you, they aren't that bad."

"Well clearly they are!" Allen sighed impatiently. "Since you can't even stand."

"Not that bad. Anyway, what the Hell are you looking at, Rabbit?" Kanda derailed, already irritated with the speculative look in Lavi's green eye.

Lavi shook his head. "Nothing. I just want to take a look at something." Circling around, he set Kanda's sword down within easy reach, which at least put him a slight bit more at ease. He was a little less so to have Lavi touching him and looking at the wound, but he supposed it could have been worse.

There was a long stretch of silence as Lavi inspected the wound on his back. The bookman said nothing, but Kanda saw him make a face that he wasn't entirely sure how to interpret. Clearly Allen wasn't either.

"Well?" Kanda demanded as Lavi stood up and circled around him again, not making a sound.

"You said it doesn't hurt much, right?" Lavi questioned, leveling him with a grim look.

"Did I fucking stutter?"

Lavi nodded thoughtfully, resting the tip of his spear pressed down on Kanda's leg just above his knee, though not deep enough to do any real damage beyond a shallow surface cut - and ignoring outraged exclamations from both Allen and Kanda.

"And that?"

"Bastard!" Kanda started to snarl, but Lavi cut him off.

"Just answer the question."

Kanda snarled, glaring, but once he actually thought about what Lavi was asking, he paused, for the first time realizing just how _wrong_ something was. Allen was looking at him worriedly for a long time. He guessed he must be making quite the expression right now.

"...not a damn thing."

Lavi lifted his spear away again and nodded passively. "...so I didn't imagine it then."

"Imagine what?" Allen demanded in a mere whisper, as if he couldn't manage anything else.

Kanda wondered if he was having the same thought - more like realization - that he and Lavi were having. Even then, he couldn't wrap his mind around it, or maybe his mind simply refused to believe it. The latter seemed more likely. But how _could_ he accept something like... _that_? A fate that he could only consider as worse than death. Worse than almost anything else he could imagine. He realized, just as much as anyone else, that he was a very prideful man, and to be reduced to such helplessness...

"What are you talking about?" Allen demanded more strongly, looking between them both with growing fear in his eyes.

"Spinal damage," Lavi told him bluntly. "In the simplest terms... paralysis... if he's lucky."

"What do you mean, _if I'm lucky_?" Kanda ground out. How could someone like _him_ being paralyzed possibly be _lucky_? Exactly how could it get any worse?!

"I mean, you may simply have to live with it for many years to come, however you choose to go about that. That's the most forgiving outcome for the both of you. If you're unlucky, even with treatment, you could get blood poisoning from the wound and spinal fluids, and which could turn into sepsis... and that's not a pretty way to go."

"But you can do something about it, right?" Allen blurted, unable to keep the slight note of panic from his voice.

Lavi pursed his lips. "Preventing an infection... maybe, but I can't do anything about the paralysis." When Allen opened his mouth to argue, Lavi beat him to it. "Even with the Apple... this isn't the same as before. I can't promise anything beyond that."

It was plain as day on Allen's face that he still wanted to argue, and Kanda could feel him tremble, but his white-haired lover nodded reluctantly. "Let's hurry back so we can get it treated properly."

* * *

Lavi tried. He really did. Even as a bookman, sometimes he could make a difference. There were so many things wrong with the world, so many wars and tragedies and casualties, and so many of them he could do nothing about. But he could treat the wounded. Sometimes he could save lives, knowing more about medicine and treatments than almost anyone else in the world.

Many days, that was what kept him going, kept him from renouncing being a bookman even though he wasn't supposed to care or be involved. Some days he wondered if that was part of why the Clan allowed that sort of involvement. It gave him a greater reason to keep doing what he did, to dislike himself a little less for having to sit back at such a distance while people died and suffered.

Still, he was no miracle worker, and he was no kind of god. Sometimes all the knowledge in the world was useless.

He did all he could to treat Kanda's wound and eradicate any sort of infection from getting in, but sepsis works fast and unforgivingly. He managed to keep it in check for a couple of days, but beyond that, it went out of his control. He wasn't quite sure what was worse: how quickly and horribly Kanda went, or how much heartache and grief Allen went through during those few days while still trying to cling to the hope that it would get better.

Unfortunately, it didn't get better, and Lavi didn't expect it to. Kanda was barely recognizable past the swelling and discoloration, and Allen refused to leave his side entirely, barely eating or sleeping. The only comfort Lavi could offer was something to ease the pain somewhat and try to do whatever else he could to ease both of their suffering.

In the end, Kanda didn't survive. Apollo was dead, but the blow hit the entire brotherhood too hard, as if they had been the losing side and Apollo had won. In some ways, he may as well have.

Allen didn't turn to him for support, as Lavi thought he might. The brotherhood had their funeral for Kanda, the man's remains put to a more formal, decorated tomb underground than many others - no surprise there. Lavi kept his distance from everyone, lingering, and more often than not he saw Teidol staying by Allen's side, offering up comfort just as much as he cried himself.

The despair that fell over the den was stifling, and he found that he couldn't even stand sequestering himself in the library much of the time - he could always still hear someone somewhere talking or crying over what happened, breaking his concentration on any books he tried to read.

He sympathized somewhat - even having only known him for a few months, it was difficult to believe and accept someone like Kanda was gone, much less that he died in the way he had - but as regrettable as it was, he was still a bookman before he was anything else, and bookmen didn't grieve no matter who it was for.

As the days dragged on, it became more and more obvious in his mind that this record was done with and it was time for him to move on. Apollo was dead, and Allen still had the Apple in his possession, with no current enemies that had their eye on it. Now would be the best time to part ways, and for him to take the device with him, whether or not Allen agreed.

When he made his way up to the room that used to belong to Kanda, he found Allen curled on top of the bed, with his face puffy and shiny tracks down the bridge of his nose from crying. Now, his breathing was quiet and steady, sides gently rising and falling in sleep. Lavi stood in the doorway for some time, simply listening and surveying the room for where the Apple would be, and stepped softly towards the side of the bed where he found it sitting behind the pillow.

Carefully maneuvering the orb out of hiding, he briefly glanced at Allen and then made to exit. Unfortunately, either Allen wasn't as asleep as he'd thought, or the man had been woken by his presence.

"That is not for you to take." The voice was a hoarse murmur, but carried the full bite of accusation. "You have no right."

Lavi stopped, glancing slightly over his shoulder.

"Its better if its out of your hands," Lavi told him flatly. "Its only going to continue to bring you trouble. People like Apollo will always be after it."

"So instead, people like _you_ will come and take it, without ever asking me if I want you to or not?" Allen choked out. "In the end, was that all you were ever here for? So you could take the Apple for yourself?"

Lavi remained silent, looking ahead. He heard the bed creak as Allen sat up, his white hair messed and clothes disheveled, eyes bloodshot and face swollen.

"Now you're just going to leave me too? Go on your merry way as if none of this ever happened? As if none of these people here ever meant anything?" He slid from the bed onto shaky legs, fighting back another onslaught of tears. "You're just going to run off again without even a goodbye? As if I was just disposable to you all along?! Then go! Give me back the Apple and _just go_!"

He picked up the pillow from the bed and threw it at Lavi's back in frustration and grief. Lavi flinched slightly as it harmlessly bounced off his shoulders, but didn't allow Allen to see it, even as he heard the other man bordering on hyperventilating. For a long stretch of time, neither moved, and the only sound was Allen trying to control his breathing.

"I said give me the damn thing!" Allen finally snapped, outstretching his hand. When Lavi still said nothing, still didn't budge, and still didn't hand it back, he marched over and wrenched the redhead around by his shoulder. "I said: _give, it, to, me_." When he tried to snatch it away, Lavi pushed him back, and he couldn't help staring with a stricken, disbelieving expression. "Lavi..."

"There's no one by that name," the bookman told him abruptly, his expression cold and unsympathizing, just like that day when Bookman - when Lavi's mentor - was there before and he denied caring about Allen as anything more than a means to an end with his records. "Bookman is the only name I go by. Lavi was only a false persona, and he's long gone. You should already know that by now."

Allen gasped in a breath as if coming up from deep water and trying not to drown, his vision blurring with water. When Lavi turned away from him, so careless, was his last breaking point.

"Why?! Why did you come back?! If all you are is a bookman and I don't matter to you, then why did you save my life, only so I could be forced to sit by, helpless, and watch Kanda die?!" He clutched at his chest. "...you fixed what the Apple did to me, but I feel as though I will die of a heart attack any second all over again! It hurts so much that I feel as though it will kill me... but not you! You stand there so hollow and unaffected all the time by everyone's pain, only looking out for your damn books and records, caring only about writing down history as if it is not about real people suffering and dying!"

He had to stop and catch himself on the frame of the bed as he swayed, breathing so erratically that he was beginning to see spots and clawing fingernails into his chest as if he could simply rip open his ribcage and tear his very heart out. Lavi had been his first love, and talking to him now, he couldn't believe he had at one point given his heart to this man who kept casually brushing him out of his life as if he were nothing at all.

"How-... how can you be so cold?" The question came out as the most plaintive, pitiful whimper, but it was all he could manage to choke out at this point. "...I wish sometimes that I could be like you... that I could simply not feel and ache. I am so tired of hurting... I am tired of losing people... so many people. Most everyone else is dead... and you, the one person who isn't... it is even worse than that. Even when you stand beside me, time and again you betray me with coldness... and I do not understand it. How do you even begin to live with yourself? How do you expect _me_ to live with this?"

Somehow, he didn't expect an answer, or for Lavi to even humor him a second longer, to simply walk out and leave. He was somewhat surprised when the redhead turned and walked back towards him, stopping only when they were so close Allen had to lean back and look up slightly.

"If its what you want, then do it." Allen furrowed his brows, looking confused, but Lavi continued, his face as unmoving and cold as stone. "If you want to be like me - like a bookman - and to stop hurting and caring, then just do it. Throw everything else including 'Allen' away, and become someone else without attachments and home who doesn't care about any of that."

"What-..." Allen could only stare, tears subsided, as he tried to process what the redhead was telling him, and if Lavi was entirely serious in what he was telling Allen he should do, but there was nothing to suggest otherwise.

"If that's what you really want, then that's all there is to it," Lavi continued on, speaking over him. "Let the old you die and become someone else. Make 'Allen' and 'Kanda' strangers to who you will be after this... nothing but distant names you heard on the lips of some passerby, and tell yourself over and over that it doesn't matter and doesn't hurt until the words become true."

Turning away, Lavi gave him a last, long, hard look out the side of his eye.

"You wanted to know how I do it. Well there it is. If you want to be like me, if that's what you need to survive the pain of this life you've had, then go ahead. No one is stopping you. Just know that once you've dedicated yourself deeply to a life like this one, breaking out of it again... going back, won't be an easy thing to do."

Allen could only stand rooted to where he was, speechless, as Lavi turned and began to leave. Somehow, without it being said outright, he knew what Lavi was implying - more than that - what he was being _invited_ to do. He wasn't sure how he understood what it was that Lavi was trying to say, even though it went unspoken.

The only permanent connection a bookman had was to his Clan. Allen was painfully all too aware of that, that in the end, whether wanted or not, their loyalties could only ever be tied to one thing, and have nothing else important to them to live for except that purpose. So long as Lavi was a bookman and he was not, they would always be on separate paths, and Lavi would never once look back at him.

Both of them would continue through their lives alone, now more than ever. Mana was gone. Nea was gone. And Tim. Now Kanda. What more did he have to lose? More than that, what more did he have to _hold onto_?

He had never considered it before, and maybe neither had Lavi, but now the solution seemed so simple.

"Bookman!" he ran to the doorway, stopping when he saw the redhead pause and look back at him. "For how much longer will you be here?"

The red-haired male stood in silence for a short while, his expression - or rather, the unnerving lack there-of - giving nothing away.

"Tomorrow at dawn, I'll be finding a ship to take me out of country." He paused, looking ahead. "Where I'll end up after that... I haven't the slightest idea."

Allen breathed out shakily, nodding. "I understand."

That said, the Bookman he once called 'Lavi' disappeared down the stairs, and Allen returned to his room, doing nothing in particular for a while, trying to decide what he would do and if he would go through with it. When he finally settled his decision, he headed down to the tombs to bid his last goodbye to Kanda, so that he could find a way to keep moving forward.

**Author's Note:**

> 1 of 3 done :D Still have two more Alt ends to do, one for Lavi and one for Kanda~ Stay tuned~


End file.
